🗃️ BACK OFFICE — SUITE 2B REAR STORAGE
Authorized staff only. Brenda has a key. Gary has asked twice — we said no both times. Everything in here was built by Dwayne or approved by Brenda. A few things were approved by neither. Browse the drawers. Take what you need. Put things back where you found them. — D. Mackiewicz, Management
🎮 GAMES & SIMULATORS4 items▶
VIRUS DEFENDER 2003
River Raid-style shooter. Named malware, paper invoices as ammo. Dwayne sends a bill if you lose.
GAMEWHEEL OF IT PROBLEMSSpin the wheel. Receive your IT problem. Receive your invoice. There is no appeal process.
INTERACTIVEON HOLD SIMULATORExperience being on hold with Suck IT. Wait time is real. Dwayne picks up eventually. Usually.
AUDIOWINDOWS XP DESKTOPDwayne's simulated workspace. His desktop wallpaper is a spreadsheet. It is not organized.
SIMULATION💬 TALK TO DWAYNE3 items▶
IM DWAYNE (AIM)
Chat with DwayneK_IT99 on AIM. It is 2002. He is probably at Staples. He will respond eventually.
AI-POWEREDFAX MACHINEFax your message to Suite 2B. The machine mangles the reply. An invoice is always included.
AI-POWEREDOOO GENERATORGenerate Dwayne's current Out of Office message. Usually involves Staples or the diner.
GENERATOR🗂️ THE DAVE SITUATION2 items▶
Restricted access. Do not discuss with Dave. Do not confirm Dave's existence to anyone calling the main line. If someone asks about June 2001, hang up and notify Brenda immediately.
📡 MONITORING & SYSTEMS2 items▶
📬 DWAYNE'S CORNER5 items▶
DWAYNE'S BLOG
IT tips from Dwayne. Updated when he remembers. 8 posts since 2001. Mostly about printers.
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTHAlways Dwayne. New reason each month. Dave's June 2002 award has been officially rescinded.
ONGOINGCOMPLAINT BOXSubmit a formal complaint. Dwayne responds with an invoice for his time reading it. This is policy.
AI-POWEREDDWAYNE'S INBOXRead-only access to Dwayne's Outlook 2000. Gary wants rent. Dave emailed again. Brenda forwarded something.
SUBMIT A TICKETAI helpdesk. Describe your problem. Receive a diagnosis and itemized invoice within seconds.
AI-POWERED🎁 PRINTABLES & DOWNLOADS4 items▶
Free promotional materials. Complimentary. The IT support is not complimentary. Print Dwayne's card. Put it in your wallet. He ran out of his own in 2004 and has been meaning to reorder.
BUSINESS CARD
Print at home. Cut with scissors. Dwayne ran out in 2004. He has been meaning to reorder since then.
PRINTABLECERTIFICATE OF ENDURANCESurvived Suck IT Consulting? Get certified. Not valid for employment. Dwayne signed it personally.
PRINTABLEDESKTOP WALLPAPER1920×1080. Dwayne uses this as his wallpaper. He has one monitor. It fills the whole screen.
DOWNLOADINVOICE TEMPLATEPre-filled with Dwayne's standard charges. “Blaming User” is already on there.
DOWNLOADMore items pending. Dwayne has been working on them since 2003. He says Q4. He has been saying Q4 since 2003.