NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT

PREAMBLE

This Non-Disclosure Agreement (“Agreement”) is entered into between Suck IT Consulting Inc., Suite 2B, above Gary's Dry Cleaning, Paramus NJ (“Dwayne”) and the undersigned party (“You” or “the Reader”) as of the date of signing (today).

This Agreement was drafted by Dwayne Krupczak acting simultaneously as Party of the First Part, Party of the Second Part, Notary (self-notarized, stamp pending), and Legal Counsel. Dwayne has watched several episodes of Law & Order and feels prepared.

SECTION 1 — DEFINITIONS

1. “The Incident” refers to the events of June 12–19, 2001, specifically the actions of              in the server room, including but not limited to the                          and the subsequent Azure billing situation.
2. “Dave” refers to                         , formerly employed as CTO from June 12–19, 2001 (7 days, including a federal holiday).
3. “The Thing” refers to the                                                that Dave did with the                   .
4. “Brenda” refers to Brenda Krupczak ($14/hr). Brenda knows everything. Brenda is not covered by this NDA because she already knows and there is no point.
5. “Gary” refers to Gary Polowski (landlord, Suite 1A). Gary suspects something. Gary does not need to know.

SECTION 2 — CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION

The Signatory agrees not to disclose, describe, discuss, imply, suggest, gesture toward, mime, perform charades about, or otherwise communicate the following:

1. What Dave specifically did with the backup server credentials.
2. The exact Azure spend amount (it is a lot; it is in the documents labeled DO NOT OPEN).
3. Why the server room smelled like that for three weeks after The Incident.
4. The contents of Folder C:\Users\Dave\Desktop\DO_NOT_OPEN_DWAYNE on the server (Dwayne opened it; Dwayne regrets this).
5. The USB drive situation.
6. What Gary found in the server room when Dwayne accidentally gave him a key (this was a separate incident from The Incident but related).
7. Kyle's final week before he left. This is unrelated to The Incident but Dwayne would prefer it not discussed.
8. The draft blog post titled “What Dave Did (The Full Story).” It exists. It is not to be published. Brenda agrees.

SECTION 3 — OBLIGATIONS

1. Signatory shall not, for a period of      years from the date of signing, disclose Confidential Information to any third party, including but not limited to: Dave, Dave's lawyer, Dave's “business contacts,” Dave's cousin who called the office in 2002, or anyone Dave might send an email to.
2. Signatory agrees that the Azure charges were “a mystery” and “not attributable to any named party including but not limited to Dave.”
3. Signatory agrees that the USB drive found in the server room was not necessarily Dave's USB drive and may have belonged to             .
4. Signatory waives the right to subpoena Brenda. Brenda has been through enough.
5. Signatory acknowledges that Dwayne was at lunch during The Incident. This is documented. There are receipts.

SECTION 4 — FEES AND PENALTIES

1. A $75 NDA Review and Processing Fee is applied upon accessing this document. This fee is non-negotiable and has already been charged.
2. Violation of this NDA will result in a $500 Confidentiality Breach Service Call.
3. Any attempt to subpoena Dwayne will result in a $300 Deposition Preparation Fee and an additional $150 “Dwayne had to wear a suit” surcharge.
4. Naming Dave in any public communication will result in Dave's lawyer sending another letter, and Dwayne having to deal with that, and a $125 Emotional Impact Assessment Fee will be billed to the Signatory.
5. Winning any dispute with Dwayne will result in an additional $200 Appeals Management Fee. Dwayne approves all disputes. Dwayne does not approve disputes.

SECTION 5 — GOVERNING LAW

This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of New Jersey, specifically whatever Dwayne believes those laws to be based on his interpretation, which is subject to revision. Disputes shall be resolved by Dwayne acting as arbitrator. Dwayne is impartial. (Dwayne is not impartial.)

SECTION 6 — ENTIRE AGREEMENT

This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between the parties. The previous version of this agreement (written on a Subway napkin in 2001 and lost) is superseded by this document. If you find the napkin, please return it.

By scrolling to this point, you have technically read this Agreement. Dwayne considers this binding. Dwayne's legal counsel (also Dwayne) agrees. Court of Paramus (unofficial, convenes at Gary's Dry Cleaning parking lot) has been notified.