📡 SUCK IT CONSULTING — SYSTEM STATUS DASHBOARD™
Last updated: (Dwayne is monitoring this. He checked at 11:58 PM.)
Overall:⚠ DEGRADED
🖥️ Server Status
MAIN-SVR-01
Windows Server 2000 · “The Server™”
Uptime: 847 days | Dwayne monitors this personally
CPU: 43%
RAM: 109MB free
● OPERATIONAL
MAIL-SVR-01
Exchange 5.5 · Paramus mail relay
Inbound: OK | Outbound: BLOCKED by AOL
Reason: former CTO sent 4,200 promotional emails (Dave). Ongoing since Sept 2002.
CPU: 10%
Queue: 849 msgs
⚠ DEGRADED
BACKUP-01
Zip Drive Array · 3-drive configuration
Drive 1: OK | Drive 2: OK | Drive 3: JAMMED (Nov 2002)
Last backup: I think Tuesday
Capacity: 200MB
Used: 196MB
⚠ DEGRADED
PRINT-SRV
HP LaserJet 4 · Shared print queue
Driver: ERROR | Queue: 14 jobs stuck
Brenda says it was fine when she left. She left at 5:00 PM sharp.
CPU: n/a
Ink: MAGENTA LOW
✖ DOWN
CLOUD-GW-??
Unknown device · Found in server room June 2001
Dave configured this. We do not know what it does. We are afraid to touch it.
Azure credits: $0 remaining | Purpose: unclear
CPU: ERR%
Status: UNKNOWN
? UNKNOWN
DAVE-SERVER
Windows 2000 Pro · Strategic Technology Initiatives (Dave)
⛔ DO NOT RESTART — SEE INCIDENT INC-20010619
Powered off: June 19, 2001 at 9:00 AM | NDA: active | Days offline: 0
CPU: OFF
RAM: OFF
● POWERED OFF
⚙️ Service Status
Fax Machine OPERATIONAL
201-555-0199 · receiving faxes
201-555-0199 · receiving faxes
Hold Music PLAYING
Track: "Für Elise" (MIDI) · loop 847
Track: "Für Elise" (MIDI) · loop 847
Brenda (Email) IN
Filtering email · Mon–Tue, Thu–Fri · Not Wed
Filtering email · Mon–Tue, Thu–Fri · Not Wed
Gary's Printer (upstairs) OPERATIONAL
HP DeskJet 895Cxi · Gary's Dry Cleaning · always works
HP DeskJet 895Cxi · Gary's Dry Cleaning · always works
Website UP
suckitconsulting.com · IE 5.5+ only
suckitconsulting.com · IE 5.5+ only
Help Desk Queue 847 tickets
ETA: Q3 2027 · Dwayne is aware
ETA: Q3 2027 · Dwayne is aware
Server Monitoring ACTIVE
Monitored by: Dwayne · Frequency: 11:58 PM
Monitored by: Dwayne · Frequency: 11:58 PM
🌐 Internet Status — Live data from external providers. Interpreted by Dwayne.
⏳ Dwayne is checking the internet... please hold. He is doing this manually.
🚨 Breach Intelligence Feed — Live. Dwayne monitors this personally at 11:58 PM.
⏳ Dwayne is checking the breach database... please hold.
📋 Incident Log (newest first)
[LOW] 2003-03-15 09:31 PRINT-SRV — Driver conflict after Windows Update. Status: ongoing. Brenda: not involved (her words).
[MED] 2003-03-01 14:22 MAIN-SVR-01 — CPU spike to 100%. Root cause: Brenda streaming music in Windows Media Player. Resolved 14:47. CPU returned to 94%.
[MED] 2002-11-14 11:03 BACKUP-01 — Zip Drive 3 jammed. Removal attempted with paper clip. Paper clip now also jammed. Drive 3 offline indefinitely.
[HIGH] 2002-09-09 08:15 MAIL-SVR-01 — Outbound blocked by AOL. Root cause: former CTO (Dave) sent 4,200 promotional emails for his “consulting venture” from our mail relay. Status: ongoing. AOL not responding to appeals.
[LOW] 2002-05-30 17:01 MAIL-SVR-01 — Brenda configured email filter blocking all messages after 5:00 PM and before 9:00 AM. Also Wednesdays. Working as intended (per Brenda).
[MED] 2001-07-22 16:45 CLOUD-GW-?? — Unknown device discovered in server room. Dave claims he “set up the cloud.” Device left powered on out of caution. We do not know its IP address. We do not know what it is doing.
[CRITICAL] 2001-06-19 09:00 DAVE-SERVER / ALL SYSTEMS — THE DAVE INCIDENT. Azure credits depleted ($0 remaining). Unknown configuration changes made to 3 systems. Server room: “fine” (Dwayne's assessment). Dave's access revoked. NDA executed same day. Details sealed. Do not ask Dwayne about this. He will not discuss it.
[INFO] 2001-01-01 00:03 ALL SYSTEMS — Y2K+1 monitoring complete. No incidents. Dwayne went home at 12:03 AM. He was there from 10 PM. This is in the log for posterity.
[INFO] 1999-12-31 23:58 ALL SYSTEMS — Y2K monitoring in progress. Dwayne on-site. Coffee: adequate. Servers: normal. The year 2000 arrived without incident. This log entry was written at 12:04 AM on January 1, 2000 while eating a sandwich.
💡 NOTE FROM DWAYNE: This dashboard is updated in real-time*. All servers are monitored personally by me at 11:58 PM every night. If something is red, I am aware of it. If you are also aware of it and are calling me about it, I am still aware of it. Please leave a voicemail.
*“Real-time” defined as: within the same business quarter.
*“Real-time” defined as: within the same business quarter.