TOP 10 REESONS YOUR PRINTER WONT WORK
(And How We Can Charge You For Each One!!)
Hello and welcome back to the Official Suck IT Consulting Blog!! My name is Dwayne and I am the Senior IT Technician here at Suck IT Consulting located in Paramus NJ (above Gary's Dry Cleaning, parking is genuinely terrible). This is my FOURTH BLOG POST and I think I am really getting the hang of this whole "internet writing" thing!!
Today I want to talk about printers. PRINTERS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTANCE. (I know that's misspelled, Dave pointed it out, Dave is wrong and also no longer our CTO.) We get more calls about printers than anything else except for maybe the virus popups which are real by the way and if you see one you should call us immediately day or night.
🖨️ THE DEFINITIVE LIST 🖨️
This is our #1 call. We drive out, plug it in, and invoice you $275 for a "hardware diagnostic." The invoice itemizes it as "peripheral power pathway assessment." We don't make the rules.
See #1. Different invoice though. "Power Management Assessment" — $275. Sometimes we do both in one visit and charge separately. It is called itemized billing and it is perfectly legal.
We will spend 45 minutes looking at it and then remove one crumpled corner of paper from Tray 2. We call this "Mechanical Intervention Services" and charge $350. We also strongly recommend a full printer tune-up for $800 while we are there. You will decline. We will do it anyway.
You are printing to "Microsoft XPS Document Writer" which is not a real printer. We will click the dropdown, select the correct printer, and issue an invoice for "Driver Configuration and Output Pathway Remediation" — $225. The click takes 3 seconds. The invoice takes 2 weeks.
We will sell you ink cartridges at 340% markup under our "Consumables Lifecycle Management" program. The cartridge costs $6 at Staples. We charge $47 plus a $150 installation fee. The installation is us opening the lid and clicking it in. Cha-ching.
I hope this list helps you understand why your printer does not work and also why you should call us instead of trying to fix it yourself. Every time you try to fix it yourself you make it worse and then we charge more. It is a good system for everyone involved (mostly us).
Please leave a comment below!! We read every comment and sometimes respond within 4 to 6 weeks. DO NOT leave your credit card number in the comments. Dave says it would save time. Dave is wrong. Dave is also no longer here.
*Certification pending. He passed 6 of 7 modules. The 7th one is "hard."