WHY YOUR EMAIL IS DOWN
(It Is Probably Your Fault)

Hello everyone!! This post is inspired by the last three months of my professional life, during which I have received 47 phone calls from clients reporting that their email is "down." Of those 47 calls, 44 of them were not an email problem. The other 3 were email problems but 2 of those were also caused by users.

I have billed a combined $12,850 resolving these incidents. In the interest of public education — and also reducing the number of 8 AM phone calls I receive — I am writing this post. If you have ever called me and said "my email is down," please read this carefully before calling again. Or call again. We charge $150 to show up.

Reason #1: Your Inbox Is Full

Outlook Express will stop receiving new emails when your inbox reaches its storage limit. This is a known behavior. It has been a known behavior since the software was released. The solution is to delete some emails.

Before calling us, please open Outlook Express, look at how many emails you have, and ask yourself: "Do I need all of these." If you have emails from 1999 about a company barbecue that has already happened, you do not need those emails. Delete them. Your inbox will then receive new emails. We will not charge you for this advice in this specific case. We will charge you $150 if you call us about it.

Reason #2: You Changed Your Password and Did Not Update Outlook

This one I get every single week. You change your email password — perhaps because I told you to, perhaps for other reasons — and then Outlook Express continues to use the old password. Outlook Express then fails to log in. Outlook Express then gives you a small error message in the bottom corner. You do not see the small error message. You call me and say your email is down.

The solution: open Outlook Express, go to Tools > Accounts > your email account > Properties > Servers, and update the password. This takes 45 seconds. I bill in one-hour increments. You do the math.

Reason #3: You Opened an Attachment

I have sent approximately nine (9) emails to all clients since January 2001 explaining that you should not open email attachments unless you were expecting them. Specifically:

• Do not open files ending in .exe
• Do not open files ending in .vbs
• Do not open things that say "ILOVEYOU" or "Here is the document you requested" when nobody sent you a document
• Do not open a fax confirmation for a fax you did not send
• Do not forward things to everyone you know "just in case"

If you have done one of these things and your email — or your whole computer — is now behaving strangely, please call us. We will help you. We will not judge you. But we will bill you, and we will also update this section of the post.

Reason #4: Your Internet Is Down, Not Your Email

Email requires the internet to work. If the internet is down, email will also appear to be down. These are related. Before calling me to report that your email is down, please open Internet Explorer and try to visit a website. I recommend www.cnn.com or, if you want to check if our website is up, www.suckitconsulting.com.

If the website does not load either, the problem is your internet, not your email. Please call your internet provider. Their number is on your bill. If you cannot find your bill, call us and we will find it for you ($150).

Reason #5: The Email Server Genuinely Has a Problem

This does happen. Occasionally the problem is not the user. It is the server. When this happens I am usually already aware of it and already working on it. I monitor the server. I check it at 11:58 PM. I have a process.

Signs that the server is the problem and not you:

• Multiple people at your company are affected simultaneously
• The problem started at an exact time with no action on your part
• You have not changed your password, opened any attachments, or done anything unusual
• I am not already calling you to tell you about the outage (see: I monitor the server)

In this scenario, please call us. We will fix it. We will also not blame you, unless it turns out you or someone at your company did something. Then we will bill you at the higher incident rate ($350/hr).

One More Thing: Brenda's Email

Several clients have asked why they cannot reach Brenda by email and get a bounce message. Brenda's email is functioning correctly. Brenda has set up a filter. I am also unable to email Brenda after 5 PM. This is working as intended. She has administrator rights and I cannot change it. Please call during business hours (9 AM–5 PM, M–F, closed Wednesdays because of Brenda's class).